Finding Staple Employment

Part of my problem is imagining the staple being removed at some point, leaving two tiny holes in each of the bills, like they've been attacked by some kind of currency vampire that feeds on the value of innocent money, leaving it lifeless and empty, so that it can no longer be used to purchase garlic.

A Schematic Representation to Threaten Your Very SOUL

Quantum Superposition of the Consciousness (QSC - n.) - a sensation of one's existence that's like looking at the FedEx logo where you can usually EITHER see the arrow between the E and X or you can see the E and the X, only now somehow you can see both the arrow and the E and the X all at the same time.  Except you feel that way about your existence, not about the logo.

Heads I Win...ish

I wish I had a rational explanation for why my muscle-shirted workout arms look like a strangely misplaced mustache.  But I don't.

Sequel Opportunity

To be fair, I have no evidence to suggest that her self-diagnosis is wrong.  So, this may have been an incredibly good move, wardrobe-wise.

The Plot Thins

What WILL she do?  Will she wear the sweater?  Will she not wear the sweater?  You're screaming at your computer right now, aren't you?  Because I have created an unbe-freaking-lievable cliffhanger for this badass story.  Well, you'll just have to wait to see what happen, me brethren.

(No, really.  There's a second part to this story. Watch this space.)

For Gamers Who, Are Addicted to, Pauses

For more information about "apostroplectic rage," please visit The Blog of Unnecessary Quotes (yes, it's a totally real thing).

Sexicography

You should feel free to ignore the second panel.

This comic works entirely well without that second panel.  I don't know why I felt the need to fill it with all those words.  I seriously think I have a problem.

This Generation's "Desperately Reeking Susan"

I can't explain what happened to her face. Or, frankly, why it looks like maybe she had a terrible accident and Popeye had to give her one of his arms.

But I swear to God that's Megan Fox.  You know, without makeup.  After she first wakes up in the morning.  When she's spent the night before drinking heavily.  And having her face abused.

Waxing Cinematic. Also Just Plain Waxing.

I don't know why this picture came out so dark.

Just think of it as an Awful Picture with 5 o'clock shadow.

Apparently There is a Rating Scale for Hormones

Notes to self:  stop trying to draw cowboy hats.  You make them look like some kind of  weird mutant homburgs.

Which, I Would Think, Is Truly EVERY Single Actual Thing

I can't explain the gray bar on the side of the picture.

Nor can I explain why Woody Allen looks so much like Tina from Bob's Burgers.

You will just have to wonder as to the artistry that am my oeuvre.

One If By Gland, Two If By Sea

It is not lost on me that I've managed to make Anthony Quinn look like Fu Manchu.  Also, Gregory Peck appears to be wearing a Star Trek tunic...

Your own observations?  Please leave a comment.  All are welcome, but funnier ones are welcome more.

A Particular Period in American Film

The chapters where Curly's wife wrestles with her cycle were edited out before Steinbeck was allowed to publish.  Originally, the novel was as long as The Grapes of Wrath.

Not sure how the mice figure into this, though.

That Damned Elusive Pimple

"Wash my face more? Is it so simple?

Methinks not, damned unseemly pimple!"

And, no, I have absolutely no idea what those six stick figure at the bottom of the poster are all about.  Sorry.

A Certain Lack of Control

Incidentally, that picture on the left is a disturbingly accurate rendering of the layout of our family room - I have absolutely nailed the hallucinogenic-trip inspired wonky perspective the architects built into the place.  Go me!

Book 'Em, Dano

This said, if you DID find a book that you'd checked out of the Library of Alexandria in 203 BC, that probably also means that you're immortal, so the late fine probably isn't that big a deal to you.

And by the way, Good for you on the immortality thing!

Awful Pictures, Imaginary Words

Incidentally, the word "basketbow" is meant to be pronounced so that the "ow" rhymes with cow, not so it rhymes with blow.  Try to remember.  I wouldn't want any of you to sound stupid when you said it.

Man Loves Tree Loves Rock Hates Man, Part 2

This is the second of what I hope will become an ongoing romantic comic strip.  Later episodes will include one in which the tree tries to tickle the underside of the rock with one of its roots but fails because the movement of a tree's root takes decades.  And also the rock has no nerve endings.  Hilarity ensues.

Just Throwing This Idea Up There

Incidentally, Method #23 is The Microwave Refrigerator.  Watch this space.

And, for the record, Method #3 was The Sleeve Blanket.  Damn you, Snuggie.

And Now, Another Message From Your Milk

To be fair, we can't take credit for this method of healing rifts - it's exactly the same way the Crusades ended.

(Part One is here.)

Here's What You Did Wrong

A little-known side effect of passive-aggressive management is that it squishes the sides of your head in, as I've illustrated on the right.  A well-known side effect is the fact that it makes you want to pinch your boss's face all over with hundreds of those tiny binder clips.

You Weren't There. It Might Have Been Like This.

Seriously - think about it.  All the scientists ever find is bones.  For all we know, there could have been a vibrant singles scene in the Jurassic Age.

In Which We Learn Why 9-Year-Olds Should Teach History

Oooooohh...a spooky TALE OF BITTER DISAPPOINTMENT, wasn't it, dear readers?  Mwah-hah-hah!  You'll be sleeping with the lights on for days!

Join us next week for a brand new TALE OF BITTER DISAPPOINTMENT, in which we learn that an Uncanny Valley exists for the dark chocolate content in a Green & Black's candy bar.

That is of course, if you think you can handle the disappointment...

If Your Kids REALLY Cared About You, They'd Figure It Out

Incidentally, I'd like you all to take a moment to be wowed by my stick-figure rendering of that moment from the opening credits of Quantum Leap.  Ready?  Begin admiring now.

Keep admiring.

Keep admiring.

Keep admiring.

Okay, you can stop now.  Enjoy the rest of your day.

Olympic Grudge-Holding

Okay, so "Olympic" grudge-holding may be a poor name for this particular event of memory.  Because I actually never remember this moment except at weird and useless times.  

So it's Olympic in the same way it's Olympic if a javelin thrower has no control over when he throws a spear, so he just carries it around with him everywhere so he's ready.  Only his arm never decides to throw it at competitions.  Instead his arm only throws it at children's birthday parties, Shabbat services and Burlington Coat Factory sales.

Awful Picture, Now With Crossover & Bonus Picturette! But Still Awful!

If you head over to MaeBeDaze.blogspot.com, you can read the actual story and complete the CROSSOVER BLOG!  It'll be just like that time The Love Boat docked at Fantasy Island! 

(Here's how Google translates that last sentence into Teenager)

It'll be just like that time the iCarly gang went to the party with all the students from the Victorious high school!

The Justice League Does It for NormalCon Every Year

Because in my world, apparently, reporters still all wear snap-brim fedoras and carry leather briefcases.  Because why wouldn't they.

2015 Resolution #1: I Won't Be Anybody's Emotional Gymnast!

2015 Resolution #2:  I Will Actually Go to Get Checked for Age-Related Hearing Loss!

Choosing Delightful and Adorable over Awful and Terrible

It's my birthday, so I'm going in an entirely different direction today.  Here's my daughter Beatrice, back when she was 5 years old, reciting "Where the Wild Things Are," by Maurice Sendak.  I took the liberty of throwing in the pages from the book, some sound effects, and a bit of music.

I'll put in more awful terrible things tomorrow.