Intelligent Redesign

Incidentally, if you wake up one morning and find a Lego Death Star set in your recycling bin, it means you have been ESPECIALLY good.  Basically, it's like getting the backstage pass to my version of Heaven.

Deadie Warbucks

No, no, this is all just made up nonsense, obviously.  A zombie would spend the $200 million recreating Michael Jackson's "Thriller" music video and having Industrial Light & Magic do the CGI to put himself in the lead.  Duh.

(here's the ad, by the way)

To the Hero, the Spoils

Know this, Humanity:  to my dying breath, I will protect you.

Also know this, Humanity:  my Kryptonite is Velveeta.

I Done Her Rung

To recap, the likely threats to my family are, in order:

1. Fire

2.  Attack by cannibals during dinner

3.  Home invasion

4.  Alien incursion

5.  Zombie apocalypse

6.  Catastrophic global warming

7.  Pandemic

Feel free to create a laminated copy for your wallets.

(This list and the McColl life-ladder ranking subject to change without notice)

Probably Not Going to Win This Heat, Then

I asked the question because, in my mind, I imagine another blog, somewhere in the blogosphere, perhaps one written in, I don't know, Estonian or Tagalog, in which two cartoon characters have exactly the same conversation, except theirs involves the number one million and four.   Another, maybe this one in Icelandic or Urdu, involves the number one million and three.

And so on.  I now think about this to help myself get to sleep at night.  Because I need something to help, especially in this heat.

We're Making a Bug Mistake

While playing the game is fun, it is nothing compared to the delight one experiences late at night by the shriek of one's daughter who has discovered a silverfish the size of Ron Swanson's mustache.  Good times.

It Can Be Hard to Keep Up with Technology. And Sarcasm.

We have two enormous floor pillows, one blue, one yellow.  That's what my wife is lying against.  I don't know what you were thinking it was, but you can stop now.

What I Think "Ocean's Eleven" Should Have Been About

In today's blog post, the part of George Clooney is played by Tatiana Maslany.

Cursery Observations

She does know how to swear properly.  I guess sometimes her life with me just pushes her into a place where even those words aren't enough to express what she feels.

I'm sort of proud of that.

Apparently It's Pronounced "Bane" Like in Batman

If the print for the commentators seems to get larger as you read it, it's because I was turning up the volume on the TV while the guy was talking.

In Politics, Everybody Lies

That’ll teach them not to believe me when I tell them stories about my childhood.

Oh, wait a sec...did I do that right?

Establishing the Limits for Coolness. And Uncoolness.

My wife's knowledge regarding how open exactly to make the door to achieve optimum coolness is related to her ability to know precisely how much I raised my voice relative to how loud she was and to how much something hurt me versus how much another injury hurt her.

When It's Time to Drop the Hammer

The most important element in raising children is the element of surprise.  The second most important element in raising children is cadmium.  But everybody knows that.

Thoughts on Our Dog-Eat-Dog World

Yes, my Stick Cannibal Dog has the bones of his last meal through his nose and tail and he's wearing a necklace of teeth.  They're probably canines!!

Oh, man, that was a good one.  I need to lie down now.

Dispenser With the Pleasantries

You would not believe what it took to remove this malevolent force from our lives.  The story of how we did it was made into the third Exorcist sequel in the 90s.  The writers changed a couple details to make it more "Hollywood."

(also, here's what the original dispenser looked like)

Word Up! (But Down, Not So Much)

My one hope for retaliation is that my wife will read the title of this post and get the song stuck in her head.

Put another way, perhaps an earworm will help clear her auditory canal to allow for better conversation next time...mwah-hah-hah...

Bunker Fill

This is the scene she's talking about, incidentally.

So my daughters will allow Cyberdyne's Skynet updates to infiltrate all our computers, and when Sarah, John and the reprogrammed cyborg arrive to save humanity from its own future, my wife will try to equip them with Indian relishes.  You see what I have to deal with?

The Cure for the Common Cat Poster

Yeah, I got a dark side.  Because I'm deep.

The Loneliness of the Long-Distance Humorist

Incidentally, please be very impressed with how beautiful and straight my Older Daughter's teeth are.  We spent a lot of money having her orthodontist make that part of the drawing.

Milking a Joke Cow vs. Beating a Dead Joke Horse

Everyone appears to have been swept up in Deodorant Phone Mania.  Our investors, therefore, ordered the APTW creatives to produce another installment.

And now we just wait for the fat stacks of cash to roll in.

I love this country.

His Nose Was Supposedly Made of Metal, In Case You Wondered.

 

Yes, that's right, I made a Tycho Brahe joke--TYCHO BRAHE.  I'm THAT good.

I can hear you being impressed all the way over here.

(In other news, the Joy Vampires will DEFINITELY be making an appearance in Polar Twilight.)

When You Need Another Kind of Answering Machine

Thus concludes the Deodorant Phone Trilogy.  However, given that it has been so wildly successful for me financially, I'm working on a prequel.  Take that, Marvel Universe.

Enjoying the Cites

The Deodorant Phone Trilogy, Part Two.

This is the REAL way celebrities are made.

(By the way, my wife wants me to make it clear that the periods in her speech bubble in the first panel are there to indicate sarcasm.  Duh.)