The Keys to Power

On that day, of course, holding down the "TAB" key

will make a diet soda appear on your desk.

Taking Note

I didn't have the heart to tell her:  it isn't.

When It's Time to Drop the Hammer

The most important element in raising children is the element of surprise.  The second most important element in raising children is cadmium.  But everybody knows that.

Daylight Savings Plan

Deciding on your own that you are in a different time zone from everyone else more or less follows the same logic as Daylight Saving Time itself.  So there's that.

Here's What You Did Wrong

A little-known side effect of passive-aggressive management is that it squishes the sides of your head in, as I've illustrated on the right.  A well-known side effect is the fact that it makes you want to pinch your boss's face all over with hundreds of those tiny binder clips.