Saturday, November 29, 2014

Grammar Pro 1, Programmer 0

This exercise becomes especially dicey when working with animals.  I think a worm ring might be marginally better than its original, and a catpole seems reasonably harmless.  But a hog hedge sounds cruel, though potentially adorable.  And we will not be discussing what might happen to the muskrat, humpback and woodpecker.

Friday, November 28, 2014

We Put the "Fun" in Funerals!

AWFUL ARTIST'S DISCLAIMER:  Because the Artist's family completed this activity several weeks ago, epitaphs for each member of the Artist's family will likely have changed.  For this reason answers that were correct when the activity was created will likely no longer be correct.  Purchasers of "Awful Pictures: The Game!" assume all risk and liability for the short half-life of correct answers to the game.  All sales final.

Thursday, November 27, 2014

Now When I Say I Suck...

Incidentally, I got in trouble again.

I'll admit, this is not the most Thanksgivingy awful picture I could have made.  This said, as Thanksgiving pictures go, it's pretty awful, so in that sense, mission accomplished.

Wednesday, November 26, 2014

Hell is Other People and/or Dental Hygiene

Next Time on "Lesser-Known Rooms in Hell" - Chris describes the punishment for people who leave their shopping cart completely obstructing the middle of the aisle while they tell the person on the other end of their phone call about all the new herbal tea varieties they haven't tried yet.

HINT:  it involves sitting cross-legged on the floor until both feet fall asleep.

Tuesday, November 25, 2014

"What If We Replace Damon with a Baby?"

Draft highlights:

The Melbourne Identity - Amnesiac Hugh Jackman goes around killing people with a sack full of Baz Luhrmann movies.

The Guy of Gisbourne Identity - Amnesiac Renaissance Fair re-enactor goes around speaking in verse and killing people with his dirk.

The Osbourne Identity - Ozzy Osbourne can't remember anything anyway and Sharon goes around killing people.

The Newborn Identity - Baby has no conscious identity and cries all the time, making parents sleep-deprived and suicidal.

Sunday, November 23, 2014

Warehouse Full of Bulk-Sized Fun

Other Costco games:

Identify the Impulse Purchase ("There's no way she came here EXPECTING to buy George Bush's Decision Points. In hardcover, no less.")

Sampler-Swapping - take free food samples from one vendor and put them on the trays used by other food sample vendors.  Bonus points:  convince the employees offering one sample to try one you've brought over.

Saturday, November 22, 2014

Pumpkin-Spiced Mermaid Thoughts

Starbucks doesn't even offer mermaid-themed drinks, which seems like an egregious oversight.

On the other hand, the finest coffee shop in all the land, The Black Cow Coffee Co in Croton, actually offers a drink called The Black Cow, which is like liquid heaven in a cardboard cup.  They also have really tasty pastries and super-friendly folks working there.  Go there.  If you can't, tell your friends to go there.  Actually, tell your friends even if you CAN go there.

Friday, November 21, 2014

Thursday, November 20, 2014

Your Little Person and You Read Email!

I sent all these figures off to a research team to have my results verified.  Eventually, they emailed them back to me.  For bonus points, try to imagine what my Little Person did when that email arrived.

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

Word Uppity

If you worry that you won't be able to use these words correctly, you should consult the saurus.

Monday, November 17, 2014

Man Loves Tree Loves Rock Hates Man

This is the first of what I hope will become an ongoing romantic comic strip.  Later episodes will include one in which the tree finds out that the rock is involved with some moss, and another in which the man buys some flowers for the tree and finds out that the tree has allergies.  Hilarity ensues.

Saturday, November 15, 2014

In Which I Reveal an Embarrassing Secret

(you know, I'm just not even going to bother apologizing any more for when I post these)

As a result of this formula, on those occasions when I forget my affection, I find there is almost always something there to remind me.

Incidentally, I have Drago Art to thank for the not-quite-awfulness of the first two pictures. Thank you, Drago Art.

The map I just traced.

Friday, November 14, 2014

Thursday, November 13, 2014

How to Compliment a Sweater Vest Overseas

(VERY late today...sorry everyone!)

Actually, you would never say either of these things, really.

Well, I might.  But you wouldn't.

And that's totally fine.

Wednesday, November 12, 2014

Some Like It Kind of Hot

I think her hostility stems from the fact that I always talk to her with my hands on my hips.

Tuesday, November 11, 2014

Awful Family Game Night

I have nothing to add here. Except that if you think Daughter 1 is the candle addict, because she has a tattoo in her picture on the left and none of the other figures associated with the other issues have tattoos, you're barking up a tree made of a kind of wood I've never heard of. Like Burmese rosewood.  Or tambootie.

Monday, November 10, 2014

Sunday, November 9, 2014

Blogizing - with Cosmetic Science!

Other examples:

"I hope this particular entry is enough to help countize my blog."

"I've got to develop some self-control, otherwise I'm going to get totally weightized by the holidays again this year."

"Chris seems to have reallyized today's Awful Picture.  He should try to control his adverbs."

Saturday, November 8, 2014

Friday, November 7, 2014

In the Sticks, Panel Two

People seemed to like the first panel of my graphic novel, "In the Sticks," so here's the second.

Thursday, November 6, 2014

Baring My Soul. Also Possibly My Tattoos.

My younger daughter pointed out that if the tattoo idea doesn't work, these would make a fabbo set of designer guitar picks.

(Author's Note:  please know my daughter herself never used the word "fabbo.")

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

In the Sticks, Panel One

So this is a bit of a departure.  A while back I had this idea for a graphic novel about a world of stick people who are aware they are stick people.  In the story, the main character (Penn) is about to attend the funeral of his best friend (Gray), who is going to be erased so that they can scatter his eraser fuzz over the field where they played as kids.  Then Gray's sister Tracey asks Penn to investigate Gray's death, because she suspects foul play.

It's got a kind of a film noir feel to it.  You know, like a lot of stick drawings.

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

Now You Too Can Be a Candy Ninja!!

My basic point is that I find Toblerone tasty, but also very difficult to eat and at times painful.  It's possible I didn't need such an elaborate drawing to get that across.

Monday, November 3, 2014

We All Scream for iPhone

This just serves to illustrate to me how much less boring phones would be if they worked like the ones in my head.  Fix that, Science!  Come on!