I Probably Also Forgot to Name This Freaking Post

As an added bonus, a colleague in my office watched this entire thing transpire, as he'd inadvertently ended up in the same places as me at critical points in the story.  Needless to say, he was hopelessly amused.  In that same parallel universe, he has been rushed to the hospital as his continued laughter caused oxygen deprivation.

How To Avoid a TRULY MORTIFYING Spelling Mistake

This could have been very embarrassing for you.  Thank God I managed to get you to read this in time.  You're welcome, by the way.

Or a Decorative Centipede, If You Prefer

Those who follow my work regularly will perhaps have spotted that I acquired a new set of colored pencils over the holiday.  That's right - I decided to treat myself.  Because I'm worth it.

So You Know, the Lyrics Are Set to the Tune of "Blurred Lines"

Those feathers get a great sound out of his accordion as well...

Yes, I Know I'm Ignoring My Wife's Hereditary Input Here

You may want to start by looking at THIS.

It's very amazing.

Even factoring in my wife's considerable talent, there does seem to be a wonderful genetic anomaly at work here.  And I haven't even mentioned her sister.

Seriously, Ask Yourself: What EXACTLY Happened to This Guy's Family?

I can't help it.  I find that moment when they pull back to show the whole room, with the detritus of opened presents scattered about, with the ominous silence of the dead hanging like a shroud over the entire house, more than a little terrifying.  Why aren't his wife and kids making any noise?

If You Ask This Product If You Should Buy It, It ACTUALLY Answers You

I promise I'm not making this up.

Two Words: Boozy Minimalism.

Finished now.

Hang on--

Addictive phrasing.

Can't stop...

Not funny!

HELP SOMEBODY!!!

(just kidding)

...or not...

Season's Magritte-ings?

Ce N'est-Pas Un Avertissement

Bear in Mind, My Folk Just Don't Get It

What with JDATE.com, BlackPeopleMeet.com, and FarmersOnly.com, I bet black Jewish farmers are the hottest commodity online right now.  They're beating potential mates away with a stick.  Possibly a pitchfork.

What Do Rand Paul and Hello Kitty Have in Common?

You probably want to know that the same company that makes Chia Pets also makes The Clapper.  You're welcome.

Potty Animals

And Charmin, can you explain why you're trying to relate the bathroom behavior of bears (subject of that famous rhetorical question, "Does a bear poop in the woods?") to humans?  I'm pretty sure our two species go about this activity in very different ways.  Is the idea that you're trying to use bears to make the act of human excreting "cute"?

People Magazine's Most Marketable Non-Zombie Actor 2014

If People magazine REALLY cared, they'd scour EVERY male on the planet and put them up against EVERY sexually active female on the planet to see which one ACTUALLY caused the highest degree of physical responses. But apparently they just don't care about the integrity of their own award.  Bastards.

I, Robot Vacuum Cleaner

This is actually one of the bright sides of the Terminator future:  once the robots destroy us, they'll be able to tidy up the mess pretty quickly.

Car Accidents in Other Dimensions

Also, children in the WeatherTech universe only drop food on the car floor.  THEIR car seats NEVER have crumbs in them.

It's Mouth-Watering, But SOOOO Not Like You Think

After all, isn't it more fun to believe in a race of tiny pilots who don't mind dying at the hands of our pets than it is to ask pesky questions about the chemicals that flavor our junk food?  Of course it is.

This Said, the Active Ingredient Still Seems to be Crack, So...

Now I'm thinking that what I need to do is go to the Black Cow and have them fix me one of their Black Cows with a hit of peppermint syrup or some such.  Then I won't be required to feed the Beast of Portland for this particular fix.

The No Bang Theory

Incidentally, the original drawing had some shading to give Mr Parsons his gorgeous sculpted cheekbones, but my my color correction program scraped it all away like a plastic surgeon overdosing on prescription meds.

Also, They Have the Awkward Look of a Professor Dating an Undergrad

TO WATCH THE ACTUAL COMMERCIAL, CLICK HERE

But I mean honestly:  STORMY?  She doesn't have a middle name she could use?

You Can't Make Me Take the Subway

Also, if that's a holiday delivery center for an online shopping company, why are the workers allowed to talk to one another?  And how come there are only like six people working there?

Merry Naked Christmas from Tim and Becky!

In my head, Tim and Becky are world-renowned avant-garde concept artists who have done away with all the conventional sitting furniture in their home and replaced it with various bathtubs.  So, actually, for all I know, this could be their game room.  Or the library.

Smell is Other People

For reference, you may wish to watch this.  Also, she's pretty much the only woman in the room with sleeves.  Which must be significant.  Also again, where the hell does that staircase at the end lead to?  Does she turn around and smile goofily because she realizes she stupidly went the wrong way when she was trying to make a super-dramatic exit from the party?

Not Even Nickeled and Dimed. Just Nickeled.

Despite what the date at the top says, I definitely posted this before midnight.

I know, I know, I can hear you all saying, "Sure, Chris, Discover thinks you're stupid enough to fall for a 'cashback bonus,' and sure the interest rate is often loan-shark worthy, but at least there are still lots of places you can't use the card."  You've got me there.

Ice Ice Baby, or Singles for Couples

And then we could have Neil Diamond and Jewel sing "Ruby Baby" and  "Gold."

Ignorance is This

I'm sure the original story is good too, but I REALLY hope a greenlight guy stumbles across this and accepts it as my pitch for a black comedy set in 1950s Hollywood.

Nature Abhors a Vacuum, and Frankly I Wouldn't Exactly Call Myself a Fan Either

Incidentally, there's a really subtle Dyson pun in the title of this post.  Like super-subtle.  Ultra-subtle.  Harder to find than the Higgs Boson. So tiny it's subject to quantum weirdness.  It's like a pun particle (known to scientists as the punon), subject to Humorberg's Uncertainty Principle ("You can either know where a pun particle is in a joke, or you can know how funny it is, but you cannot know both").

...and They Want to Feed the Gecko to a Fox

Geico: because we want people to choose us based not on our quality insurance, but simply because we have worn their butts down with relentless omnipresent mind-numbingly stupid commercials.  That's how to sell insurance, people.

Apparently, the Lands' Endless...

Now if only the new Bits & Pieces would get here.  We haven't had a new one for over a week.

Decking the Halls but First Decking the Competition

Yes, that's right - if all goes according to plan, you're in for another 23 days of snarky remarks about commercials.

So you're welcome.  Or possibly I'm sorry.  You decide.

Grammar Pro 1, Programmer 0

This exercise becomes especially dicey when working with animals.  I think a worm ring might be marginally better than its original, and a catpole seems reasonably harmless.  But a hog hedge sounds cruel, though potentially adorable.  And we will not be discussing what might happen to the muskrat, humpback and woodpecker.

We Put the "Fun" in Funerals!

AWFUL ARTIST'S DISCLAIMER:  Because the Artist's family completed this activity several weeks ago, epitaphs for each member of the Artist's family will likely have changed.  For this reason answers that were correct when the activity was created will likely no longer be correct.  Purchasers of "Awful Pictures: The Game!" assume all risk and liability for the short half-life of correct answers to the game.  All sales final.

Now When I Say I Suck...

Incidentally, I got in trouble again.

I'll admit, this is not the most Thanksgivingy awful picture I could have made.  This said, as Thanksgiving pictures go, it's pretty awful, so in that sense, mission accomplished.

Hell is Other People and/or Dental Hygiene

Next Time on "Lesser-Known Rooms in Hell" - Chris describes the punishment for people who leave their shopping cart completely obstructing the middle of the aisle while they tell the person on the other end of their phone call about all the new herbal tea varieties they haven't tried yet.

HINT:  it involves sitting cross-legged on the floor until both feet fall asleep.

"What If We Replace Damon with a Baby?"

Draft highlights:

The Melbourne Identity - Amnesiac Hugh Jackman goes around killing people with a sack full of Baz Luhrmann movies.

The Guy of Gisbourne Identity - Amnesiac Renaissance Fair re-enactor goes around speaking in verse and killing people with his dirk.

The Osbourne Identity - Ozzy Osbourne can't remember anything anyway and Sharon goes around killing people.

The Newborn Identity - Baby has no conscious identity and cries all the time, making parents sleep-deprived and suicidal.

One Way to Undo Frank Capra's "Wonderful Life"

Apparently also some angels are really really mean about molting.

Warehouse Full of Bulk-Sized Fun

Other Costco games:

Identify the Impulse Purchase ("There's no way she came here EXPECTING to buy George Bush's Decision Points. In hardcover, no less.")

Sampler-Swapping - take free food samples from one vendor and put them on the trays used by other food sample vendors.  Bonus points:  convince the employees offering one sample to try one you've brought over.

Pumpkin-Spiced Mermaid Thoughts

Starbucks doesn't even offer mermaid-themed drinks, which seems like an egregious oversight.

On the other hand, the finest coffee shop in all the land, The Black Cow Coffee Co in Croton, actually offers a drink called The Black Cow, which is like liquid heaven in a cardboard cup.  They also have really tasty pastries and super-friendly folks working there.  Go there.  If you can't, tell your friends to go there.  Actually, tell your friends even if you CAN go there.

In the Sticks, Panel Three

So it's been a while, but I thought maybe some of you might be wondering what happens next in "In the Sticks."  If you need the "Previously..." click here.

Your Little Person and You Read Email!

I sent all these figures off to a research team to have my results verified.  Eventually, they emailed them back to me.  For bonus points, try to imagine what my Little Person did when that email arrived.

A Step Beyond a Tongue-Lashing

Artist's Lesson of the Day:  It's super hard to draw hands.

Word Uppity

If you worry that you won't be able to use these words correctly, you should consult the saurus.

Man Loves Tree Loves Rock Hates Man

This is the first of what I hope will become an ongoing romantic comic strip.  Later episodes will include one in which the tree finds out that the rock is involved with some moss, and another in which the man buys some flowers for the tree and finds out that the tree has allergies.  Hilarity ensues.

In Which I Reveal an Embarrassing Secret

(you know, I'm just not even going to bother apologizing any more for when I post these)

As a result of this formula, on those occasions when I forget my affection, I find there is almost always something there to remind me.

Incidentally, I have Drago Art to thank for the not-quite-awfulness of the first two pictures. Thank you, Drago Art.

The map I just traced.

The Partial Idiot's Guide to Awful Pictures

This page excerpted from The Complete Idiot's Guide to Marketing and Design (® 2012 Alpha Books, p. 183).

How to Compliment a Sweater Vest Overseas

(VERY late today...sorry everyone!)

Actually, you would never say either of these things, really.

Well, I might.  But you wouldn't.

And that's totally fine.

Some Like It Kind of Hot

I think her hostility stems from the fact that I always talk to her with my hands on my hips.

Awful Family Game Night

I have nothing to add here. Except that if you think Daughter 1 is the candle addict, because she has a tattoo in her picture on the left and none of the other figures associated with the other issues have tattoos, you're barking up a tree made of a kind of wood I've never heard of. Like Burmese rosewood.  Or tambootie.

Shoot the Milk Messenger

You should see what happens if you finish the last ice cube:  there will be blood.

Blogizing - with Cosmetic Science!

Other examples:

"I hope this particular entry is enough to help countize my blog."

"I've got to develop some self-control, otherwise I'm going to get totally weightized by the holidays again this year."

"Chris seems to have reallyized today's Awful Picture.  He should try to control his adverbs."

Robo Stop

Yes, that's right, all the robots in my head were designed in the 1940s.