I Probably Also Forgot to Name This Freaking Post

As an added bonus, a colleague in my office watched this entire thing transpire, as he'd inadvertently ended up in the same places as me at critical points in the story.  Needless to say, he was hopelessly amused.  In that same parallel universe, he has been rushed to the hospital as his continued laughter caused oxygen deprivation.

How To Avoid a TRULY MORTIFYING Spelling Mistake

This could have been very embarrassing for you.  Thank God I managed to get you to read this in time.  You're welcome, by the way.

Or a Decorative Centipede, If You Prefer

Those who follow my work regularly will perhaps have spotted that I acquired a new set of colored pencils over the holiday.  That's right - I decided to treat myself.  Because I'm worth it.

So You Know, the Lyrics Are Set to the Tune of "Blurred Lines"

Those feathers get a great sound out of his accordion as well...

Yes, I Know I'm Ignoring My Wife's Hereditary Input Here

You may want to start by looking at THIS.

It's very amazing.

Even factoring in my wife's considerable talent, there does seem to be a wonderful genetic anomaly at work here.  And I haven't even mentioned her sister.

Seriously, Ask Yourself: What EXACTLY Happened to This Guy's Family?

I can't help it.  I find that moment when they pull back to show the whole room, with the detritus of opened presents scattered about, with the ominous silence of the dead hanging like a shroud over the entire house, more than a little terrifying.  Why aren't his wife and kids making any noise?

If You Ask This Product If You Should Buy It, It ACTUALLY Answers You

I promise I'm not making this up.

Two Words: Boozy Minimalism.

Finished now.

Hang on--

Addictive phrasing.

Can't stop...

Not funny!

HELP SOMEBODY!!!

(just kidding)

...or not...

Season's Magritte-ings?

Ce N'est-Pas Un Avertissement

Bear in Mind, My Folk Just Don't Get It

What with JDATE.com, BlackPeopleMeet.com, and FarmersOnly.com, I bet black Jewish farmers are the hottest commodity online right now.  They're beating potential mates away with a stick.  Possibly a pitchfork.

What Do Rand Paul and Hello Kitty Have in Common?

You probably want to know that the same company that makes Chia Pets also makes The Clapper.  You're welcome.

Potty Animals

And Charmin, can you explain why you're trying to relate the bathroom behavior of bears (subject of that famous rhetorical question, "Does a bear poop in the woods?") to humans?  I'm pretty sure our two species go about this activity in very different ways.  Is the idea that you're trying to use bears to make the act of human excreting "cute"?

People Magazine's Most Marketable Non-Zombie Actor 2014

If People magazine REALLY cared, they'd scour EVERY male on the planet and put them up against EVERY sexually active female on the planet to see which one ACTUALLY caused the highest degree of physical responses. But apparently they just don't care about the integrity of their own award.  Bastards.

I, Robot Vacuum Cleaner

This is actually one of the bright sides of the Terminator future:  once the robots destroy us, they'll be able to tidy up the mess pretty quickly.

Car Accidents in Other Dimensions

Also, children in the WeatherTech universe only drop food on the car floor.  THEIR car seats NEVER have crumbs in them.

It's Mouth-Watering, But SOOOO Not Like You Think

After all, isn't it more fun to believe in a race of tiny pilots who don't mind dying at the hands of our pets than it is to ask pesky questions about the chemicals that flavor our junk food?  Of course it is.

This Said, the Active Ingredient Still Seems to be Crack, So...

Now I'm thinking that what I need to do is go to the Black Cow and have them fix me one of their Black Cows with a hit of peppermint syrup or some such.  Then I won't be required to feed the Beast of Portland for this particular fix.

The No Bang Theory

Incidentally, the original drawing had some shading to give Mr Parsons his gorgeous sculpted cheekbones, but my my color correction program scraped it all away like a plastic surgeon overdosing on prescription meds.

Also, They Have the Awkward Look of a Professor Dating an Undergrad

TO WATCH THE ACTUAL COMMERCIAL, CLICK HERE

But I mean honestly:  STORMY?  She doesn't have a middle name she could use?

You Can't Make Me Take the Subway

Also, if that's a holiday delivery center for an online shopping company, why are the workers allowed to talk to one another?  And how come there are only like six people working there?

Merry Naked Christmas from Tim and Becky!

In my head, Tim and Becky are world-renowned avant-garde concept artists who have done away with all the conventional sitting furniture in their home and replaced it with various bathtubs.  So, actually, for all I know, this could be their game room.  Or the library.

Smell is Other People

For reference, you may wish to watch this.  Also, she's pretty much the only woman in the room with sleeves.  Which must be significant.  Also again, where the hell does that staircase at the end lead to?  Does she turn around and smile goofily because she realizes she stupidly went the wrong way when she was trying to make a super-dramatic exit from the party?

Not Even Nickeled and Dimed. Just Nickeled.

Despite what the date at the top says, I definitely posted this before midnight.

I know, I know, I can hear you all saying, "Sure, Chris, Discover thinks you're stupid enough to fall for a 'cashback bonus,' and sure the interest rate is often loan-shark worthy, but at least there are still lots of places you can't use the card."  You've got me there.

Ice Ice Baby, or Singles for Couples

And then we could have Neil Diamond and Jewel sing "Ruby Baby" and  "Gold."

Ignorance is This

I'm sure the original story is good too, but I REALLY hope a greenlight guy stumbles across this and accepts it as my pitch for a black comedy set in 1950s Hollywood.

Nature Abhors a Vacuum, and Frankly I Wouldn't Exactly Call Myself a Fan Either

Incidentally, there's a really subtle Dyson pun in the title of this post.  Like super-subtle.  Ultra-subtle.  Harder to find than the Higgs Boson. So tiny it's subject to quantum weirdness.  It's like a pun particle (known to scientists as the punon), subject to Humorberg's Uncertainty Principle ("You can either know where a pun particle is in a joke, or you can know how funny it is, but you cannot know both").

...and They Want to Feed the Gecko to a Fox

Geico: because we want people to choose us based not on our quality insurance, but simply because we have worn their butts down with relentless omnipresent mind-numbingly stupid commercials.  That's how to sell insurance, people.

Apparently, the Lands' Endless...

Now if only the new Bits & Pieces would get here.  We haven't had a new one for over a week.

Decking the Halls but First Decking the Competition

Yes, that's right - if all goes according to plan, you're in for another 23 days of snarky remarks about commercials.

So you're welcome.  Or possibly I'm sorry.  You decide.