Sunday, May 31, 2015

Intelligent Redesign


Incidentally, if you wake up one morning and find a Lego Death Star set in your recycling bin, it means you have been ESPECIALLY good.  Basically, it's like getting the backstage pass to my version of Heaven.

Saturday, May 30, 2015

Deadie Warbucks


No, no, this is all just made up nonsense, obviously.  A zombie would spend the $200 million recreating Michael Jackson's "Thriller" music video and having Industrial Light & Magic do the CGI to put himself in the lead.  Duh.

(here's the ad, by the way)

Friday, May 29, 2015

Wednesday, May 27, 2015

I Done Her Rung


To recap, the likely threats to my family are, in order:

1. Fire
2.  Attack by cannibals during dinner
3.  Home invasion
4.  Alien incursion
5.  Zombie apocalypse
6.  Catastrophic global warming
7.  Pandemic

Feel free to create a laminated copy for your wallets.

(This list and the McColl life-ladder ranking subject to change without notice)

Tuesday, May 26, 2015

Probably Not Going to Win This Heat, Then


I asked the question because, in my mind, I imagine another blog, somewhere in the blogosphere, perhaps one written in, I don't know, Estonian or Tagalog, in which two cartoon characters have exactly the same conversation, except theirs involves the number one million and four.   Another, maybe this one in Icelandic or Urdu, involves the number one million and three.

And so on.  I now think about this to help myself get to sleep at night.  Because I need something to help, especially in this heat.

Monday, May 25, 2015

We're Making a Bug Mistake


While playing the game is fun, it is nothing compared to the delight one experiences late at night by the shriek of one's daughter who has discovered a silverfish the size of Ron Swanson's mustache.  Good times.

Sunday, May 24, 2015

It Can Be Hard to Keep Up with Technology. And Sarcasm.


We have two enormous floor pillows, one blue, one yellow.  That's what my wife is lying against.  I don't know what you were thinking it was, but you can stop now.

Friday, May 22, 2015

Cursery Observations


She does know how to swear properly.  I guess sometimes her life with me just pushes her into a place where even those words aren't enough to express what she feels.

I'm sort of proud of that.

Thursday, May 21, 2015

Apparently It's Pronounced "Bane" Like in Batman


If the print for the commentators seems to get larger as you read it, it's because I was turning up the volume on the TV while the guy was talking.

Wednesday, May 20, 2015

Tuesday, May 19, 2015

Text Lex



Incidentally, Younger Daughter also owns and communicates using an iPhone, so her texts come through in gray speech bubbles as well, but I wanted to put more color in here, which is why her stuff is in green.

Just in case you thought we were playing technological favorites with our children.  We weren't.

This time.

Monday, May 18, 2015

Establishing the Limits for Coolness. And Uncoolness.


My wife's knowledge regarding how open exactly to make the door to achieve optimum coolness is related to her ability to know precisely how much I raised my voice relative to how loud she was and to how much something hurt me versus how much another injury hurt her.

Saturday, May 16, 2015

It May Be That Their Secret Involves Nitrous Oxide



The problem when our laughter gets out of control like this is that we have to spend hours scrubbing the colored words off our walls.

Friday, May 15, 2015

When It's Time to Drop the Hammer


The most important element in raising children is the element of surprise.  The second most important element in raising children is cadmium.  But everybody knows that.

Wednesday, May 13, 2015

Thoughts on Our Dog-Eat-Dog World


Yes, my Stick Cannibal Dog has the bones of his last meal through his nose and tail and he's wearing a necklace of teeth.  They're probably canines!!

Oh, man, that was a good one.  I need to lie down now.

Tuesday, May 12, 2015

Dispenser With the Pleasantries


You would not believe what it took to remove this malevolent force from our lives.  The story of how we did it was made into the third Exorcist sequel in the 90s.  The writers changed a couple details to make it more "Hollywood."

(also, here's what the original dispenser looked like)

Monday, May 11, 2015

Word Up! (But Down, Not So Much)


My one hope for retaliation is that my wife will read the title of this post and get the song stuck in her head.

Put another way, perhaps an earworm will help clear her auditory canal to allow for better conversation next time...mwah-hah-hah...

Sunday, May 10, 2015

Wednesday, May 6, 2015

The Loneliness of the Long-Distance Humorist


Incidentally, please be very impressed with how beautiful and straight my Older Daughter's teeth are.  We spent a lot of money having her orthodontist make that part of the drawing.

Tuesday, May 5, 2015

Milking a Joke Cow vs. Beating a Dead Joke Horse

Everyone appears to have been swept up in Deodorant Phone Mania.  Our investors, therefore, ordered the APTW creatives to produce another installment.


And now we just wait for the fat stacks of cash to roll in.
I love this country.

Sunday, May 3, 2015

When You Need Another Kind of Answering Machine


Thus concludes the Deodorant Phone Trilogy.  However, given that it has been so wildly successful for me financially, I'm working on a prequel.  Take that, Marvel Universe.

Saturday, May 2, 2015

Enjoying the Cites


The Deodorant Phone Trilogy, Part Two.

This is the REAL way celebrities are made.

(By the way, my wife wants me to make it clear that the periods in her speech bubble in the first panel are there to indicate sarcasm.  Duh.)

Friday, May 1, 2015

A Brand New Smell Phone


This will be Part One of what I call "The Deodorant Phone Triology." Because I think the story carries that kind of gravitas.  So if you're not up for a weighty emotional journey, you should look away now.

Only please don't look away, because I need the page views.