As an added bonus, a colleague in my office watched this entire thing transpire, as he'd inadvertently ended up in the same places as me at critical points in the story. Needless to say, he was hopelessly amused. In that same parallel universe, he has been rushed to the hospital as his continued laughter caused oxygen deprivation.
Tuesday, December 30, 2014
Monday, December 29, 2014
This could have been very embarrassing for you. Thank God I managed to get you to read this in time. You're welcome, by the way.
Sunday, December 28, 2014
Those who follow my work regularly will perhaps have spotted that I acquired a new set of colored pencils over the holiday. That's right - I decided to treat myself. Because I'm worth it.
Saturday, December 27, 2014
Friday, December 26, 2014
It's very amazing.
Even factoring in my wife's considerable talent, there does seem to be a wonderful genetic anomaly at work here. And I haven't even mentioned her sister.
Wednesday, December 24, 2014
I can't help it. I find that moment when they pull back to show the whole room, with the detritus of opened presents scattered about, with the ominous silence of the dead hanging like a shroud over the entire house, more than a little terrifying. Why aren't his wife and kids making any noise?
Tuesday, December 23, 2014
Monday, December 22, 2014
Sunday, December 21, 2014
Saturday, December 20, 2014
What with JDATE.com, BlackPeopleMeet.com, and FarmersOnly.com, I bet black Jewish farmers are the hottest commodity online right now. They're beating potential mates away with a stick. Possibly a pitchfork.
Friday, December 19, 2014
You probably want to know that the same company that makes Chia Pets also makes The Clapper. You're welcome.
Thursday, December 18, 2014
And Charmin, can you explain why you're trying to relate the bathroom behavior of bears (subject of that famous rhetorical question, "Does a bear poop in the woods?") to humans? I'm pretty sure our two species go about this activity in very different ways. Is the idea that you're trying to use bears to make the act of human excreting "cute"?
Wednesday, December 17, 2014
If People magazine REALLY cared, they'd scour EVERY male on the planet and put them up against EVERY sexually active female on the planet to see which one ACTUALLY caused the highest degree of physical responses. But apparently they just don't care about the integrity of their own award. Bastards.
Tuesday, December 16, 2014
This is actually one of the bright sides of the Terminator future: once the robots destroy us, they'll be able to tidy up the mess pretty quickly.
Monday, December 15, 2014
Also, children in the WeatherTech universe only drop food on the car floor. THEIR car seats NEVER have crumbs in them.
Sunday, December 14, 2014
After all, isn't it more fun to believe in a race of tiny pilots who don't mind dying at the hands of our pets than it is to ask pesky questions about the chemicals that flavor our junk food? Of course it is.
Saturday, December 13, 2014
Now I'm thinking that what I need to do is go to the Black Cow and have them fix me one of their Black Cows with a hit of peppermint syrup or some such. Then I won't be required to feed the Beast of Portland for this particular fix.
Friday, December 12, 2014
Incidentally, the original drawing had some shading to give Mr Parsons his gorgeous sculpted cheekbones, but my my color correction program scraped it all away like a plastic surgeon overdosing on prescription meds.
Thursday, December 11, 2014
But I mean honestly: STORMY? She doesn't have a middle name she could use?
Wednesday, December 10, 2014
Also, if that's a holiday delivery center for an online shopping company, why are the workers allowed to talk to one another? And how come there are only like six people working there?
Tuesday, December 9, 2014
In my head, Tim and Becky are world-renowned avant-garde concept artists who have done away with all the conventional sitting furniture in their home and replaced it with various bathtubs. So, actually, for all I know, this could be their game room. Or the library.
Monday, December 8, 2014
For reference, you may wish to watch this. Also, she's pretty much the only woman in the room with sleeves. Which must be significant. Also again, where the hell does that staircase at the end lead to? Does she turn around and smile goofily because she realizes she stupidly went the wrong way when she was trying to make a super-dramatic exit from the party?
Sunday, December 7, 2014
Despite what the date at the top says, I definitely posted this before midnight.
I know, I know, I can hear you all saying, "Sure, Chris, Discover thinks you're stupid enough to fall for a 'cashback bonus,' and sure the interest rate is often loan-shark worthy, but at least there are still lots of places you can't use the card." You've got me there.
Saturday, December 6, 2014
Friday, December 5, 2014
I'm sure the original story is good too, but I REALLY hope a greenlight guy stumbles across this and accepts it as my pitch for a black comedy set in 1950s Hollywood.
Thursday, December 4, 2014
Incidentally, there's a really subtle Dyson pun in the title of this post. Like super-subtle. Ultra-subtle. Harder to find than the Higgs Boson. So tiny it's subject to quantum weirdness. It's like a pun particle (known to scientists as the punon), subject to Humorberg's Uncertainty Principle ("You can either know where a pun particle is in a joke, or you can know how funny it is, but you cannot know both").
Wednesday, December 3, 2014
Geico: because we want people to choose us based not on our quality insurance, but simply because we have worn their butts down with relentless omnipresent mind-numbingly stupid commercials. That's how to sell insurance, people.
Tuesday, December 2, 2014
Monday, December 1, 2014
Yes, that's right - if all goes according to plan, you're in for another 23 days of snarky remarks about commercials.
So you're welcome. Or possibly I'm sorry. You decide.