Tuesday, December 30, 2014

I Probably Also Forgot to Name This Freaking Post


As an added bonus, a colleague in my office watched this entire thing transpire, as he'd inadvertently ended up in the same places as me at critical points in the story.  Needless to say, he was hopelessly amused.  In that same parallel universe, he has been rushed to the hospital as his continued laughter caused oxygen deprivation.

Monday, December 29, 2014

How To Avoid a TRULY MORTIFYING Spelling Mistake


This could have been very embarrassing for you.  Thank God I managed to get you to read this in time.  You're welcome, by the way.

Sunday, December 28, 2014

Or a Decorative Centipede, If You Prefer



Those who follow my work regularly will perhaps have spotted that I acquired a new set of colored pencils over the holiday.  That's right - I decided to treat myself.  Because I'm worth it.

Friday, December 26, 2014

Yes, I Know I'm Ignoring My Wife's Hereditary Input Here


It's very amazing.



Even factoring in my wife's considerable talent, there does seem to be a wonderful genetic anomaly at work here.  And I haven't even mentioned her sister.

Wednesday, December 24, 2014

Seriously, Ask Yourself: What EXACTLY Happened to This Guy's Family?


I can't help it.  I find that moment when they pull back to show the whole room, with the detritus of opened presents scattered about, with the ominous silence of the dead hanging like a shroud over the entire house, more than a little terrifying.  Why aren't his wife and kids making any noise?

Monday, December 22, 2014

Saturday, December 20, 2014

Bear in Mind, My Folk Just Don't Get It


What with JDATE.com, BlackPeopleMeet.com, and FarmersOnly.com, I bet black Jewish farmers are the hottest commodity online right now.  They're beating potential mates away with a stick.  Possibly a pitchfork.

Thursday, December 18, 2014

Potty Animals



And Charmin, can you explain why you're trying to relate the bathroom behavior of bears (subject of that famous rhetorical question, "Does a bear poop in the woods?") to humans?  I'm pretty sure our two species go about this activity in very different ways.  Is the idea that you're trying to use bears to make the act of human excreting "cute"?

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

People Magazine's Most Marketable Non-Zombie Actor 2014


If People magazine REALLY cared, they'd scour EVERY male on the planet and put them up against EVERY sexually active female on the planet to see which one ACTUALLY caused the highest degree of physical responses. But apparently they just don't care about the integrity of their own award.  Bastards.

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

I, Robot Vacuum Cleaner


This is actually one of the bright sides of the Terminator future:  once the robots destroy us, they'll be able to tidy up the mess pretty quickly.

Monday, December 15, 2014

Car Accidents in Other Dimensions


Also, children in the WeatherTech universe only drop food on the car floor.  THEIR car seats NEVER have crumbs in them.

Sunday, December 14, 2014

It's Mouth-Watering, But SOOOO Not Like You Think


After all, isn't it more fun to believe in a race of tiny pilots who don't mind dying at the hands of our pets than it is to ask pesky questions about the chemicals that flavor our junk food?  Of course it is.

Saturday, December 13, 2014

This Said, the Active Ingredient Still Seems to be Crack, So...


Now I'm thinking that what I need to do is go to the Black Cow and have them fix me one of their Black Cows with a hit of peppermint syrup or some such.  Then I won't be required to feed the Beast of Portland for this particular fix.

Friday, December 12, 2014

The No Bang Theory


Incidentally, the original drawing had some shading to give Mr Parsons his gorgeous sculpted cheekbones, but my my color correction program scraped it all away like a plastic surgeon overdosing on prescription meds.

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

You Can't Make Me Take the Subway


Also, if that's a holiday delivery center for an online shopping company, why are the workers allowed to talk to one another?  And how come there are only like six people working there?

Tuesday, December 9, 2014

Merry Naked Christmas from Tim and Becky!


In my head, Tim and Becky are world-renowned avant-garde concept artists who have done away with all the conventional sitting furniture in their home and replaced it with various bathtubs.  So, actually, for all I know, this could be their game room.  Or the library.

Monday, December 8, 2014

Smell is Other People



For reference, you may wish to watch this.  Also, she's pretty much the only woman in the room with sleeves.  Which must be significant.  Also again, where the hell does that staircase at the end lead to?  Does she turn around and smile goofily because she realizes she stupidly went the wrong way when she was trying to make a super-dramatic exit from the party?

Sunday, December 7, 2014

Not Even Nickeled and Dimed. Just Nickeled.

Despite what the date at the top says, I definitely posted this before midnight.


I know, I know, I can hear you all saying, "Sure, Chris, Discover thinks you're stupid enough to fall for a 'cashback bonus,' and sure the interest rate is often loan-shark worthy, but at least there are still lots of places you can't use the card."  You've got me there.

Friday, December 5, 2014

Ignorance is This


I'm sure the original story is good too, but I REALLY hope a greenlight guy stumbles across this and accepts it as my pitch for a black comedy set in 1950s Hollywood.

Thursday, December 4, 2014

Nature Abhors a Vacuum, and Frankly I Wouldn't Exactly Call Myself a Fan Either


Incidentally, there's a really subtle Dyson pun in the title of this post.  Like super-subtle.  Ultra-subtle.  Harder to find than the Higgs Boson. So tiny it's subject to quantum weirdness.  It's like a pun particle (known to scientists as the punon), subject to Humorberg's Uncertainty Principle ("You can either know where a pun particle is in a joke, or you can know how funny it is, but you cannot know both").

Wednesday, December 3, 2014

...and They Want to Feed the Gecko to a Fox


Geico: because we want people to choose us based not on our quality insurance, but simply because we have worn their butts down with relentless omnipresent mind-numbingly stupid commercials.  That's how to sell insurance, people.

Tuesday, December 2, 2014

Apparently, the Lands' Endless...


Now if only the new Bits & Pieces would get here.  We haven't had a new one for over a week.

Monday, December 1, 2014

Decking the Halls but First Decking the Competition


Yes, that's right - if all goes according to plan, you're in for another 23 days of snarky remarks about commercials.

So you're welcome.  Or possibly I'm sorry.  You decide.