1. What we in the business call “a grabber.”
Definitely the word to use to GUARANTEE I’m going to keep reading.
2. At this point, slightly hoping the conjunction is an autocorrect for the word “butt."
3. Disappointed by the “butt” letdown, yet intrigued: the location of some item is SO CONSTANT and
familiar that NOT finding it qualifies as “bizarre”!?! How will the sentence conclude?
4. Okay, so a bit tame for a conclusion.
Bizarre? Really? I suppose if the headband had been tattooed
on or stapled to the texter’s head when she lay down for a nap and was gone
when she woke up...or if it looked like this in which case it would be hard to miss...
5. I’m starting to think the headband didn’t belong to the texter. So, the owner of the headband entrusted the
texter with the sacred responsibility of guarding this precious object
6. Though this is the lone use of “textspeak,” one must admire the texter's economy
of language: she saved herself precious
microseconds by eschewing the other two-thirds of this pronoun.
7. Here, one admires the texter’s decision to refuse the banal, culturally
destructive “textspeak” version of this word.
In reading the entire second-person syllable here, one cannot help but
imagine the expressive freedom that dominated the texter’s mind at the moment
of thumbing these letters. In what is perhaps
best described as the most appropriate and ironic “YOLO” moment, she elects to “live
large,” to express each word expansively, and to let the reader have an
opportunity to savor and appreciate the lines and circle of a Y and an O that
might otherwise have gone missing from his or her day. The devil-may-care attitude almost literally
DRIPS from the two extra letters, as though they say, “Yeah, that’s right, us
two characters might not need to be here, but we are. Got a problem with that? I mean, what is this, Twitter?”
8. ONE person with TWO headbands? This
possibility is so absurdly improbable, one wonders how the texter was even able
to conceive of such an eventuality. Such
a circumstance would be even more bizarre (if that’s possible) than the
headband going missing in the first place.
9. The mind reels. Logical whiplash
ensues. If we have this right, then the
lack of that first headband, and the unlikely possibility of obtaining a second
headband, are circumstances that can be rectified by the acquisition of
ICE. There are, clearly, only two ways
in which this deductive argument can be true:
- the texter’s family exclusively uses
headband-shaped ice-cube trays and these will effectively hold the textee’s
hair in place, though they will also create an ongoing brain-freeze originating
outside her skull; OR
- the headband was ACTUALLY required as a
makeshift fanbelt in some sort of MacGuyver-esque refrigeration unit, which now
cannot be completed, meaning that the...cryogenically preserved head of Walt
Disney? platter of llama patties? butter-sculpture of comedic acting legend
Charles Grodin?...will begin moving dangerously close to room temperature and
spoilage.
10. LOVING the choice of conjunction here, given the two things that are connected.
11. If the first word was the
grabber, the last word surpasses all other conceivable endings.
Let’s assume that this word was “papertowels,”
but mistyped (or possibly a shrewd employment of abbreviated “textspeak,” freeing the
texter of the nuisance involved in typing an extra E and L - see #6). Much of #9 applies here, though if in fact
the ice is ALSO being provided (evidenced by the word "AND" - see #10), then the fact that the papertowels are frozen would seem to be redundant.
UNLESS the papertowels serve a function distinct from the ice, a function that requires them to be frozen (it is assumed by this writer that in order to be frozen, said papertowels would first have to be steeped in some liquid such as Apple & Eve Pomegranate-Blueberry Juice or bat urine or, if neither of these is available, water).
MORE AS THE MOOD SUITS ME...
